I hope it's not depression

I don't sleep well...
I don't work properly...
I don't think straight when I need to...
I don't hear the things I want to hear...
I don't hold the person I want to...
No, this ain't love.
I hope it's not what I think it is.
I hope and I hope and I hope.
If I hope no more,
If I feel no more,
If I love no more...
Will love finally come?
I hope it's not depression.
I hope you don't see me like this...
I hope I hope I hope.

Watching: A Scanner Darkly
Nice. Real nice.

Listening: Why do you build me up?

Reading: The Amber Spyglass - Philip Pullman
3rd chapter of the trilogy by Pullman. Finally, after all this time. Edison, you can have ur books back soon.

The Greatest Reward

Take a look around, what do I see. I see a room.
I see a room and only the memories of a love gone astray.
A love gone astray, never to be found. A silent harbour.
A silent harbour I wait, wait for that hour to sail. Sail away.
Sail away to a place, a place for me to smile. For me to love again
To love again, will be the greatest gift,
To be loved again will be the greatest reward.

Watching: The Fountain.
Love story spanning across the ages. Massive interpretation required. My most admired actor and actress star in this movie, it's a good show to bring ur other half to.

Listening: It Ends Tonight - The All American Rejects
The lyrics sum it all, to be free (just like u) I have to let it go and it had to end somewhere. It being my hopes and my dreams. Not my love.

Reading: The Subtle Knife
I'm nearing the end. Suspense.

Remember me, special needs

I have never been dealt so hard a blow before. Never. It was a wake up call. And I woke up from my pessimissm and settled into a cradle of nothingness. I wake to no one beside me and I wake to nothing but more tears. I wake to nothing but more tears ... I wake to nothing but more tears. I have to forget you. I have to forget you. I have to forget you. I have to.

Threshold for pain isn't very high, but my endurance is. I'd like to move along and break free just as u have. I'm semi glad u're angry, at least you'll ignore me. At least I won't have to talk to you. I can move along easier. Because I have no one to move along with, there is only me to give myself support for the struggle within to continue reaching out to you and to provide u with a haven of comfort. This haven has started to crumble as the supports have come loose and I've reached a point where I don't know where to go. Away is what I tell myself. Away from you so you won't have to listen to me anymore. Thanks for sharing your problems, thanks for all you've made possible, thanks for the hopes and the dreams of a different life, thanks for all the memories and the times, thanks for being there when I most needed someone before, thanks..... for everything.

It's hard to realise all this. Place oneself in reality and it slaps one so hard I could reel back into oblivion. I wish there were easier ways to move ahead. I wish I had the balls to do it. I thought I did, maybe I still do, but lord I'm weak at the point of despair and only time can save me.

Being Selfish Is The Only Way To Save Myself From Self Inflicted Heartache

I did it, I can't believe I told her all that I did. But I did. Honest to the core as always, the truth hurts definitely but I couldn't care less anymore. On the verge of crying over nothing again. I won't shed a tear for someone who can't reciprocate the feelings I have no matter how much I feel for them. I won't. I refuse to. If you're reading this, I don't hate you. I'm just saving myself from further heartache.

Ran the usual 7 rounds around my estate again. This time, I could feel the wind against my face, the rain as it pitter pattered upon my skin and created little globules of dirt around the shin and calves. I heard the bark of the neighbour's pup and the silent hum of engine in the far distance as the cars entered through the main roads into the side roads that I ran on. The usual elderly strolling, seemed to be in better health. The kids were older, grown up, some were even attending my alma mater JC. I rounded the usual corners, the usual renovations were going on, if it wasn't this house it was the next.. They never ceased. The smell of grass at some points along the route, the stench of construction at others, the scent of incense from one particular house delving in natural therapy healing ... It was all much clearer now. The silent pretense of nothing more than a romance faded within that half hour.

I came back and reality seemed less harsh. Knowing that I was staying true to my feelings... seemed the best option.

Watching: Casino Royale -DVDRIP
Yes this is the kind of man I'd like to be. This particular one, not in comparison to the rest who were more playboyish.

Listening: The Pixies
What the hell are they singing?!?! Sounds good though.

Reading: Fleet Intelligence Slides.
Test coming ah!

Not Made of Steel

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being taken for superman. Other times I do believe I am able to fill his shoes. Sometimes I wonder if what I've done can change things between the both of us... other times, I know it won't. So I made up my mind, I ain't leaving my baby. I want to do things my way... still a Superman, on the inside. Bad Boys on the outside (if I can actually keep appearances up). Not exactly me, but I'm tired of waiting in the shadows, tired of being treated as number 2... I hate the way you're trying to make things work, but not with me. Hate is a very strong word to use, no ... I loathe it.

Watching: The Libertine
I like how it starts and ends... Johnny Depp, he's a role model aye.

Listening: Remember Me - Placebo
Remember me, special needs...

Reading: The Subtle Knife.
This shit just gets more and more exciting. Not only can he paint a vivid picture of our saddened, sickened world through words alone, the pace never stops and surprises never cease. Not Da Vinci Code style which was quite repetitive but in a more languid fashion. It's simple yet sophisticated.

I'm Mr. Brightside

It is the eve of the Lunar New Year. This is the year of the Pig.

Listening: Mr. Brightside - The Killers!!!!
It started out with a kiss how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss... it was only a kiss.

I just can't look!!! It's KILLING MEEEEE!!!!!!

I would sell my soul to save a loved one

Morning of Chinese New Year's eve eve, I awake to leri's msging which kind of gets me going for the day. It's not exactly spoilt till frustration takes over later. It doesn't help to know the woman you want so badly chooses to be with someone who's less worthy. I gotta admit, I'm pretty cocky saying that but that's how I really feel. Maybe he has more hair... doesn't matter. Lunch was good and the set was surprisingly cheap, nice atmosphere and lovely decor. Very very cosy. I'll let you in on the locale but you'll have to ask me yourself, I'm not giving it away, not so you'll be able to bring someone else. Selfish, but I gots to look out for myself alot more nowadays, I think the backstabs have gone on long enough. I have no debt to clear for Chinese New Year YES!!!

Watching: Ghost Rider
Nicolas Cage's worst... Blackheart looks like a gay retard and they make it as if Ghost Rider was super powerful. Okay Spirit of Vengeance and the ride looks nice, I wish we could've seen more skin on Eva Mendes, stop teasing us with the cleavage thanks. Other than her tits, nothing much more eye catching.

Listening: You Know My Name by Chris Cornell for Casino Royale
"The coldest blood runs through my veins..."
I'm hoping to set it on fire again.

Reading: His Dark Materials - The Subtle Knife
I've just started on book 2 of this trilogy and the magic continues with vivid description, powerful imagery and even more in depth character development. Philip Pullman's brandished steel against the norms of religion presents itself even more in this one and I'm only half way through. It's going to be a good ride, yay.

Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day

I swapped duties with Kel for him to spend time with his woman on Valentine's. I've never regarded this day as special, everyday would've been special if I'd treasured them more. Oh well, I believe good things can last, but for a reason not so easy to explain. Things have taken a turn for the better, I look ahead and I see good things happening. "Strive for a future that you want" is what I tell myself. Hell my present state isn't all that bad. How can I strive for a "better" future? That's assuming the present is shit! Which in all senses, isn't. Whoever coined these phrases like "better future", "better woman" etc sure got it rough. Or maybe he was just being a weak minded gay fucker. In the end, your state of mind controls your thoughts. Don't ever let anyone else control you. Don't ever let anyone else dominate your actions. Even to my COs I state my mind and opinions, in a tactful manner of course. I'll continue more later. Headed out to the pool for Scuba Review with Les, it shall be my first breath of compressed air since July. I need the weightlessness in the water to feel at ease again.

"After the Scuba Review..."
I still got it. I guess I feel most alive underwater, I breathe again.

There shan't be any lookbacks or review of the mbm's today, did nothing much for duty hence the lack of updates. Duty. Ensuring the safekeeping of the warships of my country. I'm glad there are people who are thankful for it.

Public Speaking Made Easy

I attended Public Speaking Techniques as part of clocking PD hours today. It was informative. I liked certain portions of the class but for the most part, it was a total waste of time. There's nothing daunting when speaking to a group of 30 or so but if you multiply that number by 100 more, the size of each person shrinks (perspective) and you feel like you're talking to a bunch of lemmings. Public speaking's not difficult really, Toastmasters? NOOOOOOOOOOT.

Watching: Last King of Scotland
Biopic of Ugandan dictator Adi Amin. Powerful, graphic and funny all at the same time. Don't ask me why, I just find humour in mostly everything. I know now why it was nominated for so many awards and came away with alot of them too. Good show aye, good show.

Listening: Somewhere Only We Know
I really wished that "somewhere" would remain as special as a place that only we both know. But good things are meant to be shared... though not with everyone. Maybe only I will understand this statement.

Reading: Nil

Rocking and fucking rolling and fucking rocking and fucking rolling and fucking bebebebebepiupiudiupupu

Keeping a blog is kind of neat. I find myself dropping back into a doldrum state again. I know why. It's just odd to look at myself from outside and wonder if it's because someone's gone that I don't have someone else to pay attention to. This is difficult. This is not condusive. As Les says, "Ivan ah why don't you go and find a girlfriend?" That statement felt proper, but it's all wrong. Ya don't find a woman to look at just so you won't feel a certain way, ya find a life partner cause my hair line's already receded and hopefully stays at that position along the forehead and not just hope the next one that comes along you will hopefully fall in love with along the way. Yeah, taking mah time... omph!

Watching: Tenacious D and The Pick of Destiny
Not Jack's best, but probably something close to his heart. As JB as you can get I suppose. As Tenacious D as you can get. I don't have much to say, I was disappointed yeah.

Listening: Raindrops keep falling on my head.
My first song I ever performed a dance to. That was in Primary 5. Under Mrs Ang's watchful eye. I still have no idea why she picked me. Cause I was so animated in class? But I enjoyed it all the same. Even did another performance the next year... I still wonder why I didn't continue into theatre... OH yes now I remember, VJ Theatre Studies didn't accept second intakes... not until when I finished one year of my JC studies. Those were torrid times. Nonetheless, remains one of the classics I will listen to for a good time. "Nothing's worryiiiiing meeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Reading: D200 manual
It's so powerful I need a manual to plunge deep into the depths of it's true ability!!! Long live Nikon!

Opening of the Dive Season

It's been 6 months since I last dived... I need to get back into the water soon. Les, if you read this, I am single and available on the weekend. Let me be your bitch.

Watching: Talladega Nights The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.
Will Ferrell at his best. "If you don't chew Big Red then fuck you." , "I hope you have sons!Beautiful, handsome, athletic sons!!And they have their legs taken away from em!"
By far the only movie I've ever watched in the cinema with the entire audience laughing non stop throughout the movie since Bruce Almighty. I've got the Director's Cut version. I've watched it 32 times. On the average...

Listening: N.A. (Currently typing from dive shop and no music is softly purring in the background.. Les is out and the dogs are asleep.Ssssshhh.)

Reading: His Dark Materials Book 1 (The Golden Compass) by Philip Pullman
T'was recommended to me by Edison "Oei!" Oh. A fellow colleague with an IQ of 5000 (His description I shall leave to another day). It is by far the most exciting book I have ever read, since the Death Gate Cycle by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman. The language isn't all that simple but it ain't no thesaurus driven read. The speech is fluid, digestible and realistic. Pullman paints such an elaborate picture where even the sub-character gets enough attention for your imagination to fill in the void. Picturing this adventure set amidst the locales of the world in reality is astoundingly easy. The pace of the book is like a show horse exhibition, from the trot to the slow gallop to a blazing sprint. The excitement picks up where it should and you can't really put the book down. Deliciously devoured in 3 weeks (I'm a slow reader) and that's already fast for me. Edison provided books 2 and 3 too. I'll need a bookshelf soon.

Stranger than Fiction

Watching: Stranger than Fiction, Nice as leri said it was, managed to catch in full before posting this. Certainly not Will Ferrell's best, still it was entertaining. Emma Watson, not so serious this time.

Listening:AFI, My Chemical Romance, The Killers over and over. I should really start sampling the music that leri passed to me. Finally I have the Living End! After ten years? I never did buy their CDs...

Reading: Clausewitz, a Past Masters Series.
In all seriousness, his thoughts and opinions on war are what I truly believe in. The existence of variables far outweigh the black and white directive driven landscape that is today's military in my country. Well, we're not firefighters, but everyday is a new day and all things new bring with them change and adapting to change is what every successful person can do. At least I think it does bring about success... Morale, courage, bravado, fear, anger, sadness, exhilaration, excitement, LUCK. With all these intangible factors and more, how do we hope to manage our crew with just our words, backed by our actions. Is that all that they'd ask for? That their officer stays true to his word and fights for a better future for them? Well granted that we don't fight wars in the future, I guess that's all I can lead them towards.


"Like any writing, it came inexplicably and without method." - Karen Eiffel, Stranger Than Fiction 2006.

I blog?

I'd decided to find somewhere to record the books I read and comment on them, the song at the moment of blogging and perhaps, perhaps, reveal a little bit more about my innermost thoughts.





NOOOOOOOOOOOOT!